February 26, 2024

Kevin Stefanski Critiques Baker Mayfield’s Commercials, Marriage


Recently, new Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski held a press conference in which he discussed his future with the team. Amongst said discussions, Stefanski was predictably asked quite a bit about franchise quarterback Baker Mayfield. Notably, Kevin Stefanski mentioned having already watched tape of Baker Mayfield, citing ‘a few things we can change’ with regards to the starting quarterback.

“Yeah, does he actually think over 60,000 people are going to need to use those toilets? All at once?” Stefanski remarked, stunned at the thought

“Also, why is he trying to repair things in the stadium during the offseason? You know we have a crew for that…

…don’t you, Baker?” Stefanski asked, pondering the question for a moment

“Also, can we talk about how he had the gall to get MARRIED during the offseason?!” Stefanski ranted.

“Honestly, it’s like these players don’t know they’re supposed to devote themselves to the team 24/7!” Stefanski said. As he said this, a reporter chimed in with a question

Mr. Stefanski, what is that tool hanging from that holster on your hip?

“Oh, this? It’s my Bullwhip” Stefanski said, lifting it up and holding it proudly “This is how I make sure the players don’t leave the premises until we have our road game, whenever that is.” He said, brandishing it “I’ve got to make sure it’s in tip-top shape for us to win six or seven games this year!”

That would be the last question posed before the session ended.

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