“Dear Brandon” (A Brandon Weeden Roasting)

Dear Brandon,

Congratulations on your release.

Us fans here in Cleveland, myself included, always have had high expectations for all of our sports teams. However, there’s something different about the Browns . They are our heartbeat, our soul, our everything. A religion of sorts.

You were drafted with the 22nd pick in the 1st round of the 2012, after quite the dandy college career at Oklahoma State down south. To be honest, I really didn’t know your name beforehand. My eyebrows were definitely raised when you were drafted.

So now I’m done being nice.

I was at you first game against the Eagles, Brandon. It was arguably one of the most embarrassing individual performances from a quarterback in any league at any level. You had absolutely no clue what you were doing out there, man! You were not just jittery or nervous, BUT SCARED OUT OF YOUR MIND! 12/35, 118 yards and 4 interceptions. Yeah, the Browns only lost the game 17-16…you can thank your former defense for that. Except they probably hate your guts, and would punch you out.

WHAT A GREAT START TO YOUR HALL OF FAME CAREER!

We all were hoping that you would show some signs of improvement, and that this first game was just the jitters. My God, you retracted from THAT more so than improved over your short two year career here in Cleveland…and probably in the NFL.

WHAT OTHER TEAM WOULD WANT YOU TO PLAY QUARTERBACK FOR THEM?

Nine interceptions before your first career win against the Bengals in week SIX. No sense of urgency, no desire to win, and absolutely no understanding about how important the game of football means to us Browns fans and this city.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO THROW IT TO OUR TEAM, NOT THE OPPOSING DEFENSE!

I’d listen to your interviews where you’d sound completely uninterested in the objective we were all striving for – winning football leading to a Super Bowl. Yeah, you’d take some of the blame, but that only lasts so long if change isn’t made in YOUR PERSONAL performance.

CHANGE WAS NEVER MADE, BRANDON! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!

Year number two was given to you as an obligation, kiddo. We saw nothing special in you. The poor reasoning being, “Yeah, Brandon led us to a 5-11 record with 17 inceptions, BUT we DID draft him in the FIRST round, SO he HAS to start at quarterback for AT LEAST two seasons.

WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER GIVING YOU THE SECOND CHANCE!

This year was so disappointing. I’m going to weep about it for a while before writing the rest of your letter. 

Ok, back.

Losses to Miami and Baltimore showed our offense was yet again stagnant here in 2013, Brandon. You would take 1…2…3…4..4.5 seconds to throw the ball. Enough for even the worst NFL defenders to get to you. Enough time for me to use the bathroom, make a sandwich, decide I want a burger instead, fire up the grill, cook the burger, fetch, buns, and add the toppings BEFORE YOU’D THROW THE DAMN BALL!!!

YOU SPENT MORE TIME TASTING THE CLEVELAND DIRT THAN THE AIR!

After the first two games of the season, you sprained your thumb. I don’t normally wish injuries upon people, so I just wish you had taken an extended leave of absence from the game….for some personal matter.

YOU PROBABLY THREW MORE ACCURATE PASSES WITH A SPRAINED THUMB!

So your backup (let me laugh at that for a bit as that means you were the starter), Brian Hoyer comes in and leads the Browns to two straight victories over Vikings and Bengals. He makes you a distant memory, and this fan base actually looking forward to an exciting year of football. Well he got hurt, too. As you know, sadly we came back to you to lead the charge. Shockingly enough, you managed to beat to Bills after coming in for the injured Hoyer. That was all the winning you would do, loser.

ONE WIN WAS ENOUGH TO SATISFY YOUR HUNGER, RIGHT BRANDON? “Uhh no, I’d like some beef ribs.”

Detroit and Green Bay, Brandon. Remember those affairs? I certainly do, but I try not to. Ya made nothing happen, and had Browns fans begging on their knees for Brian Hoyer’s knee to magically be repaired. We were SCREAMING for mediocre backup Jason Campbell to take some snaps.

You did that giant “flip pass” late in the game against Detroit that made you look COMPLETELY insane. A shovel pass inside the hashes all the way to the sideline…it was rightfully intercepted. The refs should have just given the W to the Lions based upon how horrible and embarrassing that play was. It ultimately ended the Browns chances to win.

SO YOU DID IT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING WEEK IN GREEN BAY, AND IT WAS ACTUALLY ALMOST INTERCEPTED AGAIN! ARE YOU NUTS???

So five weeks into your second career NFL season, you’ve been the starter, demoted, the starter, and then demoted. We honestly wanted nothing to do with you again for the rest of our lives. The relationship between Brandon Weeden and Cleveland was toxic right from its beginnings.

YOU STARTED AGAINST THE JAGUARS LATE IN THE SEASON, AND COULDN’T EVEN BEAT THEM! EVERYONE BEATS THE JAGUARS!

A few weeks ago, I saw a story on ESPN saying that Brandon Weeden “wants out” of Cleveland. The way it was worded, almost made it seem like to was a bad thing for the Browns. I’m surprised the media even listened to him at the point.

Today, when I heard that you were released, I smile because I know Browns fans are relieved off some pain. You gave us two years of absolutely horrible football, many gray hairs, and even a few heart attacks. We don’t like you. Seriously, I’m not even going to wish you the best of luck for the rest of your career, because if some other team does give you a chance to play and you play well…let’s just say I’ll be very angry.

Worst of luck…hehe.

Oh, and tell Campbell he sucks too on your flight out of Cleveland.

Regards,

Zach Shafron – Loyal Browns Fan, Weeden Hater

 

 

 

 

 

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