Breaking News- A Literal Fucking Horse Hired to be the Browns’ New Head Coach

After conducting a lengthy interview with their final head coach candidate Josh McDaniels, the Browns seem to have reached a conclusion on who the team’s newest leader will be.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the team has hired a literal fucking horse to be the team’s head coach moving forward.

I horseshit you not, the Browns have finally turned the corner, heading into a new decade with a coach with bustling, revolutionary new ideas as a play-caller and as a leader of men. The horse is also rumored to lead the team as it charges out of the tunnel in home games, because why the hell not?

Thankfully, this literal fucking horse was available very shortly after the announcement was made for an absolutely shit-tastic press conference, where he fielded some very tough questions with absolute grace. Below is an example of some questions it was asked:

Q: Mr fucking horse, are you confident in Baker Mayfield’s ability to lead this franchise for the foreseeable future?

“Naaaaaaaayyyyyy!”

Q: Hey there literally, I’ve gotta ask: the Browns went 6-10 in 2019, an immense disappointment for the lofty expectations placed upon them. Do you believe the team has the pieces in place to succeed and make a memorable playoff push?

“Nay!”

At that point, the crowd full of reporters was silenced by this answer. You could hear a pin drop. Realizing that it needed to go to the bathroom, the literal fucking horse ran all the way to the First Energy Stadium football field and took a gigantic shit right in the middle of the field – demonstrative of what to expect from the team it will end up leading.

Will the Browns make the playoffs under this literal fucking horse’s tutelage in 2020? Will Baker Mayfield make strides and grow as a player? Can someone bring over some god damn carrots, so it stops chewing apart that seat in the Dawg Pound over there?

Only time will tell!

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